Major news for those following: I got my resume to upload (semi?) correctly under the resume tab! Google is formatting it a bit oddly, but at least we can see it.
"Why is this not a more common thing to do"
It is quite common, which is why the first tutorial I found was completely fine and was the approach I should have trusted from the start. No need to get all fancy; if someone really wants to see my resume, I assume I've already given it to them some other way.
Other updates: 404
Also, I made a cheeky update to my website which you may not find unless you're looking for it (or I have a pesky bug I haven't seen myself yet): I changed what the page will look like when a 404 error occurs!
So please, make it worth my time and check it out by messing with the url above. Perhaps try "katherinedeane.com/bugs" since we already know THOSE will never show up here ;). I hope you think that this new mini-feature is as cute as I do!